Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
               The Atheist Ten Commandments

I.   Thou shalt breathe to send oxygen to thy lungs, and thou shalt breathe repetitively for  all of thy existence, except if thou beist underwater, or if thou beist in the presence of toxic gases, during which time thou shalt not breathe.

II.   Thou shalt consume thy nutrition, doing so in the correct ratio of carbohydrates, proteins, and lipids, and thou shalt not consume too many saturated fats, for lo, those who do shall be called obese.

III.   When thou hast processed thy nutrition, thou shalt excrete the waste, be it of a solid or of a liquid nature, and thou shalt not do so in a way that is disgusting.

IV.   Thou shalt sleep at the end of the day, and continue until the next day, excepting if thou hast work to be done of if thou hast a test tomorrow.

V.   Thou shalt blink thine eyes to keep upon them a healthy layer of mucus, or if there be sand or dust in them, and thou shalt continue until the sand or dust has fled.

VI.   Thou shalt bathe thyself on a regular basis, for lo, those who do not bathe shall be called icky, and they shall have BO.

VII.   Thou shalt exercise thy muscles, and not sit on thy @## all day, even if there beith a StarTrek marathon.

VIII.   If thou beist cold, thou shalt put on a sweater, and if thou beist hot, thou shalt taketh the sweater off, and if thou remainst hot, thou shalt put on shorts or go swimming or eat a popsicle.

IX.   Thou shalt use thine eyes to see and thy skin to touch and thine ears to hear and thy tongue to taste and thy nose to smell, and thou shalt not sticketh foreign objects into any of these places.

X.   Thou shalt looketh both ways before thou crossest the street, thou shalt not attempteth to fly, thou shalt not toucheth a hot stove, and thou shalt generally use thy brain, for those who do not shall be called idiots, and they shall win Darwin Awards.
This was originally just for a birthday card, but I rather liked it.
Add a Comment:
AcitorianScoria Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2015  Student Writer
Well, I don't know, these sound pretty strict. Especially the one about breathing and the one about common sense.

Sarcasm sarcasm.
Islaytrout Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2015
But my life goal is to win a Darwin award!
PrivateCocky Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
I am a (slightly fanatical I admit) atheist and this was still hilarious!!
Aorta-Heartless Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2014
VII.   Thou shalt exercise thy muscles, and not sit on thy @## all day, even if there beith a StarTrek marathon.

Laughed on that one.
DreamyNerd42 Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I laughed a few times while reading this. This is some of the most funny common sense I've ever seen.
buzzsaw133 Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2013
One more: Thou shall respect those who deserve to be respected.
vedisdragon Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
ShadowFrost1 Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2013
STOP IT! STOP IT! YOU! HOW DARE YOU DISGRA- Just kidding~ That's something someone overly Christian would say.

I actually find this amusing. Not much atheist rules though. More like common sense, but also perfectly reasonable.
Favninthedirewolf Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This is all just common sense, though.
TheRemixMaster Featured By Owner May 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Not an atheist... but these were funny x3
Twinkie101 Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2011  Student
Now this is some advise I can live by, though I disagree with the "thou shalt not attempteth to fly", and vote it be changed to something like "thou shalt not attempteth to fly without any equipment such as an aircraft, parachute, or at least a helmet."
OruHime Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2011
This is brilliant! I want to print it out and paper my walls with it! XD May I?
imobsessed314 Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Solid advice, all. xD
AishaBaden Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2011
"do not do so in a way that is disgusting" - why not if it is more convenient?
Those who can't cope with disgusting things are not as fit to survive. The extra bacteria will kill off the unfit members of the population leaving less competition for yourself to survive and pass on your genes.
unpeculiar Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2011
The answer to your question is dysentery.
Child-Of-The-Tardis Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2011
I sat here laughing for five minutes....THIS IS BRILLIANT!
teews666 Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2010   Digital Artist
Hahaha! Brilliant! :D
this was great, i laughed through the whole thing! =D
sexygothgeek579 Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2010
The "test tomorrow" and the "Star Trek marathon" parts are hilarious! :D
bighotelroom Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2010
I find comfort in these kinds of creation because nobody knows I'm atheist since I live with a very catholic family in a very catholic society. this made me laugh so hard, thank you verymuch :D
ZeroElements Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Sweeeeeeeeeet. :iconohbabyplz:
XPuppet-MasterX Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2010
ok, i was laughing my arse of about 3 sentances in. thy hath won thyne interwebz
Seltivo Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
good thing these are not necessary and sufficient conditions....
Seawit Featured By Owner May 23, 2010
Commandments nobody should have a problem with, nice.
AngelDevil1993 Featured By Owner May 21, 2010
hahahahha you made my day lol
Playtheist Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2010
Like it.

Satire is the keenest weapon in a resistance movement's arsenal.
RadioActivePizza Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2010
Brilliant! xD
petheadclipon Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2010
Well shit, I've probably broken just as many Atheist commandments as Old Testament ones. XD
EnlistedRanks Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2010
This is comedy gold. Awesome!
TheEndHasCome Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2009
YukiShiido Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2009
This is hilarious. I loved it!
Invisible-Turtle Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2009   Photographer
Amazing. I'm considering memorizing this and quoting it randomly.
CynicalWitticisms Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2009
AHAHAHA this made my day.
Whisklash Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2009  Hobbyist Digital Artist
XD this is fantastic, I love it!
Greed-kun Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2009  Student Traditional Artist
I love giving away Darwin Awards! :D Also I break a few of these commandments on occation!
SakuraOneeSama Featured By Owner May 29, 2009  Hobbyist General Artist
that was amazingly funny and awesome!! great job!!
sandmanda Featured By Owner May 11, 2009
BUT...BUT!! If there beith a StarTrek marathon...oh, alright....

XDD Excellent.
DailyAtheist Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2009  Hobbyist Artist
Well written! Although there's no reason to sensor ass, because the ass is mentioned a lot in the bible:

Mat 21:5 Tell ye the daughter of Sion, Behold, thy King cometh unto thee, meek, and sitting upon an ass, and a colt the foal of an ass.
Joo-JooEyeball Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2009
Lmao, I'm not an Atheist, but this is great, so true.
unpeculiar Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2009
I'm not an atheist either, but this is good mental exercise.
Joo-JooEyeball Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2009
lol totally, if this was a poster I would buy it. It could sell.
unpeculiar Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2009
Much obliged.
UnhingedSerendipity Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2008  Hobbyist Photographer
Most excellent :nod:
unpeculiar Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2008
Much obliged.
Kieranfoy Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2008
Thou shalt laugh thine ass off at those who preach the creation of all by Diety, for they who do shall be known as Creationists, and they shall have silliness.

This commandment is found in the Book of Dealing With Morons, which doth comprise the second book of the Big Tome of Atheism.

Seriously, if there was an internet slang term for, 'Okay, I'm laughing my gorram ass off over this,' belive me, I would use it.
MaryStrawberries Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2010
Amen, my friend~:heart:
unpeculiar Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2008
Chacun Son Gout.
Kieranfoy Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2008
Er, come again?
unpeculiar Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2008
To each his taste.
play-god Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2008
Thou shalt not accelerate in free fall due to gravity on earth at any more than 9.81 m/s and though shalt at some point reach your terminal velocity due to the drag caused by the fluid your are moving through being equal to your weight.

Thou shalt also obey all other laws of physics that apply to an object of your nature with your mass.
Add a Comment:

Featured in Collections

Writing by ShotInTheDark27

More from DeviantArt


Submitted on
May 6, 2007
File Size
2.3 KB


133 (who?)